My mom passed away on June 12th. From diagnosis to death was just six weeks, and in that time I spent much of it caring for her, helping my dad, making arrangements, becoming an expert in how Hospice works and the intricacies of Schedule II narcotics and how to administer them safely. And then she died, and I wrote a eulogy for her funeral, planned the service with my siblings, organized food, spoke at her memorial, extroverted at the visitation, and then hopped in a car and drove 10 hours to Florida to drop off three of our kids for their summer mission trips.
In other words, reading didn't happen, but life did.
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| Photo by Clara Carruthers on Unsplash |
There are several life events it feels like no one talks about or prepares you for, and I'm currently juggling a few of them. Perimenopause and the changes that come with that being one (good luck having a productive conversation with your GYN about that, unless you bring it up and move it forward!), the death of a parent being another. Fortunately (??), I have several friends who have already buried one or both parents, and they have kindly shared some insights from their experience. But, much like raising kids - everyone's experience and situation is unique to them. You have to factor in family, expectations, finances, personalities, faith, and so much more, making each and every situation just a little bit of a crap shoot.
My mom was 84-years old. She had lived a long life, and a good one. That being said, her death was still unexpected. In six months she went from being a vivacious grandma to a shell of herself, not even able to get out of bed on her own. In the last six weeks she went from a loving wife and mom, always waiting on others and making sure they had what they needed, to someone in need of 24-hour care.
We don't get a say in how we die. Sometimes I think it would be nice if we did. Of course I think that - I'm a recovering control enthusiast! But since we don't, the next best thing we can do, if we have any foreknowledge of our end, is to die well. In this case, that meant Mom's kids reading the Bible to her when she could no longer read it for herself. It involved singing to her when she could no longer sing with us. It looked like helping her eat, drink, walk, and go to the bathroom. In many ways, it was the reverse of what she did for all five of her kids when we were babies and toddlers.
And it was the greatest honor of my life to be a part of her care.
There were many days when I got into my car after being at my parent's house for 12 and 14 hours, and cried all the way home. It's not easy watching your mother die or her husband of 64-years try to figure out how to do life without his spouse. Not only is it not easy, there are times when it downright stinks.
But throughout this entire process, from the beginning of all the tests in April, to her final breath in June, the one message that has been impressed upon my head and heart over and over again is this: God is Good.
It's a simple message. But one that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, to be true. People say it easily enough when life is going well. When the vacation plans pan out, when you get the job promotion and the raise, when you sniff that "new car smell" or make the last payment on your dream home. But what about in the grey times? What about when the basic bills exceed the size of your paycheck? When your marriage doesn't go the "happily ever after" route? When your child goes down a path you'd rather they not go because you know it will only hurt them, and possibly others? Or when the test comes back positive for cancer...when your mother has shrunk to a shell of herself...when your dad gets in the car to go home by himself. Can you still say that God is good?
Psalm 34 is all about the goodness of the LORD:
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! {vs. 8}
But a few verses later, David reminds us:
"17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. 18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."
The righteous WILL have afflictions, but in those afflictions, the LORD is near. When we are "crushed in spirit," the LORD is Good. When we "cry for help," the LORD hears. In other words, if we want to die well, we must first live well. We must, like Job, be able to say in all situations, "The LORD gives and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the Name of the LORD." Or, more simply, God is Good. And He is, my friend, He is.
I miss my mom. But she is more alive today than she has ever been before. I hurt for my dad. But I know the Lord is near to the brokenhearted, saving the crushed in spirit, and before we know it my dad will be reunited with his sweetheart, face-to-face with the LORD, singing praises to their Savior. What hope and joy is mine in knowing this life, this interlude, is but a vapor, but Heaven is forever.
God Is Good.
